i'm forever in two minds about everything, and never wholeheartedly committed to feeling something. happens for every single thing, which sometimes annoys me to no end. like coming back, i'm half happy and half regretful. okay, maybe more than just half regretful. more than once on the trip i seriously considered what it would feel like just giving everything up and staying there indefinitely, get a job that provides lodging as well and live my life day to day. but then sanity kicks in and i start thinking about all the impracticalities and how devastating it would be when i finally quit dreaming.

and then the half happy part of me thinks how nice it is to be home and safe and secure.

just once, i wonder how it'd feel like to be completely and fully happy. sounds very depressing but i'm not in any way feeling under the weather. it's actually something to work towards i think. anyway i've received so much on this trip i guess it's time to start giving back because like everyone knows only very special people are able to receive without giving.

thinking about school gives me this sick, sick feeling deep inside. ):