i liked that your voice was so close.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

for the first time

stab me now.

apparently my transcribing job is not yet over. ):

music: soundscape to ardor; bleach ost

tune out the world ; 8:48 PM

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

half a life.

i feel super super ultra ultra completely hypocritical now. ):

making excuses for myself, really, but it's so easy to get swayed to one side when you don't have any contact with the other. but thinking about what i've said and what i've done i feel like i'm a completely two-faced monster.

sometimes meaning well isn't enough i guess.

okay. lesson learnt. reserve judgement. especially when i don't know the full story and when it really doesn't involve me directly at all.

music: jar of hearts; sam tsui

Labels: bad stuff

tune out the world ; 5:36 PM

Friday, August 12, 2011

who do you think you are

very overwhelmed by the extent to which i am affected by things outside of my control.

is it morbid to be anticipating an end to this smooth cruising high? it's not as if i'm imagining what would happen if the fall did come, but instead i'm thinking i should enjoy this while it lasts because the fall will come and it's just a matter of time.

music: jar of hearts; sam tsui

Labels: bad stuff, thoughts

tune out the world ; 4:20 PM

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

i can't get any closer

there must be something to be enjoyed even in just being swept along by the turmoil of everything happening around you, but lately i just feel very tired by all these expectations. today has been the first day in a while that i've really been able to sit down and not feel pressured to do something. but even then it's not exactly a whole day to myself since i only managed to sit down and not do anything about half an hour ago. (and the second i finished this sentence my mum came back and called for me to go type a text for her -- see what i mean?) it bugs me that i get so impatient with everything that i seemingly have to do or am obligated to do but honestly is there anything bad in being selfish once in a while so i actually have some time to myself? but then right after all that fuming i start thinking it's really just small things so it shouldn't warrant such an explosive reaction (even if it's just internal and anyway with my temper i'm sure it shows externally as well). it's just that all these small things add up. trickle by trickle and bit by bit they take up so much of my time and some days it just irks me so much all i want to do is shut myself up in a room and wish everyone away.

sometimes i feel like everyone is just using everyone else.

it's so disheartening to feel this way because then it means nobody just wants me there, and it's always because they need me to do something that i'm even around at all. i know this may not be the case and i'm probably just misunderstanding other people's intentions (and overestimating myself) but sometimes it's just really hard to shake this feeling. especially when i know i'm guilty of it too, which only makes it even more apparent that other people do so as well.

okay angry irritable mood over.

music: lee sun hee; fox rain

Labels: bad stuff

tune out the world ; 3:19 PM

Saturday, March 12, 2011

if there are too many hopes

many many thoughts but i don't know how to encapsulate them in words.

don't know how new media can still be called impersonal when it brings such devastation so close to you. wish there was something more i could do aside from just looking at updates that bring worse news each time the list jumps.

hoping huili stays safe, and that selfish as this may be, that no one in the department is personally affected by this.

music: we're very well; raymond lam

Labels: bad stuff

tune out the world ; 4:09 PM

Friday, March 4, 2011

only i didn't know.

i regret taking my media writing module so, so, so much.

1) the assignments just keep on coming.

2) which wouldn't be that bad because it's really one assignment a week and probably a manageable workload, but every assignment is a pain in the rear since you have to do so much preparation for it. how am i supposed to know what counts as a meeting/speech/breaking news that is newsworthy? do speeches at nus open house count? is a focus group discussion a meeting? it's not like i randomly have board meetings i can sit in on.

3) the writing is so plain and so stark it's honestly stifling every time i sit down to write a media writing assignment. i'm not trying to say my normal writing is grandiose and eloquent and rich and immersive but media writing is like lifeless writing. it's so stuck-up with all its rules and requirements that need to be stuffed in a corner somewhere so someone can go grow mushrooms over them.

i know complaining here doesn't do a thing -- it doesn't even make me feel very much better despite the ranting. and because i know (hope?) i'm not the only weird person who googles module names in the hope of reading complaints/reviews from people who have taken the module before, DO NOT TAKE NM2220 INTRODUCTION TO MEDIA WRITING because you are courting death if you do so. or at least looking to spend an entire semester completely shackled under the binds of rigid writing rules. or looking to become totally sapped of energy with all the looking for things to write about. you have been warned.

music: the story only i didn't know; iu

Labels: bad stuff

tune out the world ; 10:54 PM

Thursday, January 13, 2011

how much longer

you just know you've taken the wrong module when in the first class of the semester the lecturer gives a 2000-word assignment to be done within a week.

not even done with the first week of school and i'm already swamped with so much work i can't keep up. readings are piling up even though i'm really diligently trying to make my way through them as fast as i can. and assignments keep on coming in too. some of them i can't even do because i don't have the textbook with me and i can only get it next week.

and there's all the administrative stuff to get done too. gaps module classification (which gives me a headache because now i can't count the new media exposure module as part of faculty requirements since it is now under my second major so i need to find another exposure module to take) and tutorial registration and all the documents to get ready for exchange which are due in about a month.

tired! but so much work to do i am going to have to sleep really late tonight again. looking forward to all the random gatherings planed in the following weeks, but then again with all the work piling up i might not even be able to go.

music: keu namja; hyun bin

Labels: bad stuff

tune out the world ; 11:18 PM

Sunday, December 12, 2010

like a shadow

don't ever wish your life was more like a hollywood movie/tv drama because seriously the excitement is more tiring than anything. excitement is quite the inappropriate word in this context though. i've just had enough with going to places not intended for frequent visits and are really uncomfortable places anywhere. there's always some kind of undercurrent of threat and death behind all that 'place of healing' idea. it's where people get healed but at the same time it's also where people get lost.

with everything that's been happening it almost feels like someone's out to get us or something. silly idea, i know, but you can't help but think this way after the disturbing frequency of accidents happening.

music: keu yeoja; baek ji young

Labels: bad stuff

tune out the world ; 10:40 AM

Thursday, December 9, 2010

two steps back

back from genting/kl and back from things that i really don't want to have to go through again. whoever told you video games are bad for you lied. and thank goodness for my love of all things violence and gore because that at least means i'm not squeamish about blood. but make no mistake about it it was still terrifying not knowing what was going to happen, and lying in the dark too afraid to go to sleep and squinting to make out the slight rising and falling of the blankets with every breath. it's not something i'd wish on my worst enemy.

anyway back. genting doesn't seem to hold the same magic it did back when we were kids. the whole place seems more dingy and run-down than ever before, and you seem to notice all the hairline cracks and spots that you never saw before. the mascots are just people in frumpy costumes, and the rides don't even look half as enticing as before. guess it's all part of getting old. and i swear i will not bemoan looking younger than i really am any longer, because apparently i look old enough now to get into the casino. i was half a step away from going up to the security guard and saying "are you SURE you don't want to check my id?"

music: keu yeoja; baek ji young

Labels: bad stuff, thoughts, trips

tune out the world ; 9:35 AM

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

the name i loved.

i am sick to death of studying about singapore's history, and i can't get things straight -- like what is up with decolonization being a neo-colonial plot and stupid, stupid politicking and behind-the-scenes manoeuvres. not a good time to get frustrated with studying when the midterm is tomorrow and i need to start on japanese as well. ):

wondering if i should get halo reach, but i think not because it's just a rehash again. so much for finishing the fight. stop milking our money and give us something genuinely new. ):<

okay i should totally get back to studying but i cannot stand studying about politics. why in the world did i take up this module. it's totally going to be a cap-puller and i can't even s/u this module. feel like strangling myself for my stupidity but i guess that won't help tomorrow when i'm staring at a blank piece of paper trying to think of stuff to write.

music: the name i loved; onew ft. kim yeon woo

Labels: bad stuff

tune out the world ; 12:57 PM

Sunday, April 18, 2010

won't you take me and enchant me.

i know words (at least those from anyone else but the protagonist of your problem) don't help, but it's the least i can try to do, and hope they provide at least an ounce of comfort. just know we're always on your side, alright. and you don't even have to ask, because you're always the better one to us. so even though in person i can't say stuff like this because i need time to get thoughts like this straight just know that through all my rambling i was trying to put this across.

not feeling very good today; i totally shouldn't have succumbed to that milo nugget or that ferrero, because now my throat hurts more than ever and i feel parched even after drinking three times the amount of water in my tumbler. which isn't much, granted, but still.

but it's not just my throat that hurts really; it's the pain of ~~thinking~~ knowing you were meant for something bigger but realising you're stuck where you are that dominates all your thoughts and makes you feel so, so small. yes, i know it's my hundredth quarter-life crisis this week, but sometimes it just gets to you.

and i really need to stop eating when i study because i end up eating so much that when i look back at the end of the day on what i've eaten for the day i am genuinely horrified. alright. hoping tomorrow will be productive as well! meeting huiyi and dawn to study at city hall, yay.

music: chaan namyon; wheesung

Labels: bad stuff, thoughts

tune out the world ; 11:28 PM

Thursday, April 15, 2010

a heart hurts so much from the little things.

everything seems to not bode well for resuming my driving lessons. and just the thought of having to wake up so dreadfully early is already giving me a headache. but i need to pass the silly test soon or i'm just going to waste more money on it, and i've already wasted enough really. $42.80 to renew the membership (actually x2 because there was a weird system glitch and i'm not sure if i can recover that additional $42.80 charge), $25 to renew my provisional driving license, and not to mention the extra sessions i'm going to need to review everything that i've already forgotten since my last lesson in october last year. why, why, why do i always procrastinate so much.

but i'm totally going to pass my test before the new school year begins. then that's one less commitment i have to deal with.

anyhow this is soooooo cute. 돼지토끼!

okay goal for the holidays is to go learn korean. ^^

alright i'm going to stick to my promise to do work and study hard.

music: y.o.u; shinee

Labels: amusements, bad stuff

tune out the world ; 1:47 PM

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

from this dream i wake up.

i've got another song recommendation!

i've had this song on repeat for the past two weeks i think. i don't think i even played wheesung's songs so much the first time i got to hear them. but it's honestly very addictive! here i go again with my lack of vocabulary, but i really think it's a nice song. anyway looking at them you probably wouldn't guess their ages but three out of five of them are younger than us (assuming you're my age), one's our age and the other one is a year older.

see what i mean about having achieved nothing!!

okay no my getting upset and feeling old isn't completely based on korean pop idols who are all young and have done so much. it's just reinforced by that. i was already feeling that way for a while before i linked the two together and got even more upset than i already was.

okay on to happier things. i really like minho's voice in that song up there! he's got a really nice deep voice. if you listened to/watched it he's the one in the blue jacket rapping in english. plus he's really good-looking! and he's also younger by a year. ):

anyway i was thinking tall dark and handsome really doesn't seem to be the perfect criteria for most girls nowadays. i guess tall and handsome will always be mainstays but i think having a nice deep voice must count for something too. and i know it's really weird for me to say this but i honestly think guys should be tall. tall guys just automatically look... more attractive? okay i guess tall for me wouldn't be very tall for most people anyway. they just have to be significantly taller than the girl and i guess they would be perfect in their eyes then. oh but bad posture is always not good. especially if you're tall, because then it's all emphasized. so good posture and height would be good.

i don't know what sparked that off. i think it was minho.

alright i should really be getting back to work. i've got a japanese midterm to study for, a literature review to do for approaches to js and a summary for comm management to do. and in week 8 there's a theories of new media midterm. i also have to get up-to-date on 3 weeks' worth of pop culture readings, 5 weeks' worth of new media theories readings and 3 weeks' worth of comm management readings. also i need to find some time to go down to suntec and get my paycheck. and i need to spring-clean because i really didn't have the time to do it before the chinese new year holiday and i have so much to clear out. plus i need to go to school tomorrow to have a consultation about my pop culture group project. *grumbles about travelling* oh well.

music: jojo; shinee

Labels: bad stuff, thoughts

tune out the world ; 10:11 PM

Monday, February 8, 2010

can something that can't be done be done

comm management exam on wednesday, and i need to study but i'm so tired. kind of torn between looking forward to the recess week and dreading it, because there's so much work to be done before that and also work to hand up after that.

getting swamped!

oh and i saw this spree for fujifilm polaroid cameras, which i really feel like getting but which will probably end up being a waste of money anyway. i really like the polaroid effect in photos though. they make even the most mediocre of objects seem magical.

(from violetjulia)

okay maybe you need to already be a really awesome photographer to take nice polaroids.

and i'm feeling really old all of a sudden. maybe it's just the teetering on the brink of reaching your 20s that makes you feel this way, but it's so weird thinking back on how old you are and your lack of any significant achievements. i mean, i haven't made a difference in anybody's lives, and nobody will remember me for anything if i happened to just disappear right about now. fading off into oblivion is a really scary thought. you don't have to be known half the world over, but it'd be nice to know that people will remember you and want to keep you in their memories if you were to leave. i'm beginning to see the point of taking photographs now. it's kind of to leave some mark on the world you're going to leave behind someday.

i still don't like taking photos though. and if you're wondering why in the world i want a polaroid camera then, it's so i can take photographs of other people and keep them. i almost miss the days of film cameras because now with digital cameras everything feels so much more transient. kind of like at any second people will leave you and you won't have anything physical left of them to hold on to.

thinking along lines like these make me wonder why i'm wasting the prime of my life away doing things i don't really care very much about. the other day i was talking to my sister and we were wondering how much more appropriate it'd be if we lived out our lives in reverse. get all the fun and enjoyment done while we're able to do so and then start going to school and stuff when we're not able to move as much and all. okay i know it's a completely flawed argument once you sit down and think it through, but on the surface it does seem like a much better way to live your life out.

also, i came across this on papertissue.tmblr:

"anyone who falls in love is searching for the missing pieces of themselves. so anyone who's in love gets sad when they think of their lover. it's like stepping back inside a room you have fond memories of, one you haven't seen in a long time."

(excerpt from Kafka on the Shore by Haruki Murakami)

i think i've mentioned this before, but there's a certain poetry in japanese that has been translated to english. which is one of the main reasons i picked up japanese in the first place (until i discovered other *ahem* reasons), because i wanted to know if it sounded as whimsical(?) in the original language itself. this reminds me of that poem that was up in the lit room board back in tj. again i think i've talked about this poem before -_- yes i'm totally running out of blogging material; it's the one by pablo neruda i think. i'm re-reading the poem now but it doesn't seem to feel like it did before or how i remember it felt, so i'm not sure if it's the same piece i'm looking at. in any case he's spanish and the original work was in spanish, so i was wondering if any of the original meaning could have been lost in translation.

oh and i thought it was kind of funny how above the poem ("don't go far off, not even for a day") there were google ads for treating sadness and depression haha.

alright work work like a miserable peon.

music: jojo; shinee

Labels: bad stuff, thoughts

tune out the world ; 7:45 PM

Sunday, January 17, 2010

i close my eyes and dream an endless dream.

i really, really love this song. and i think taeyang is amazingly talented. he's got this really unique voice which sounds almost grating on first listen but gets addictive after a while. okay i've probably shown you guys this video if i've been in contact with you recently but i kind of felt like blogging and since i can't find the words to say what i want to maybe this will help fill up space. will you watch it please? i found the one with english subtitles too so the song's message gets across easier.

and jang geun suk is coming to singapore sometime between March and May! please don't be horrible murphy and make him come in the middle of my papers. he's the pig-rabbit guy if ~~you actually care to know~~ you've forgotten.

i totally regret not buying more stuff in london. everything here doesn't look appealing in the least. oh and i really want to drop by tangs orchard and look at the harajuku event they've got going on.

AND!

aren't they just gorgeous. i really feel like getting the beige ones, but they're retailing at $189 each and i can't bring myself to spend that much on a pair of shoes for myself. ): especially not when the ones we saw in london were like 70 pounds which works out to be about $160. okay so those were the glossy ones, but still. i realise you can't really see the beige ones but they're really nice anyway.

speaking of which, don't you think it's easier to spend on something for someone else than to blow the money on something for yourself? it's kind of like i would hesitate less when buying something for someone else but if i'm buying it for myself i think and think and think again before i finally decide to buy it. unless it's something horridly expensive of course.

school again tomorrow why why why does the weekend always rush by so quickly.

oh and i guess i did have stuff to fill up space with after all.

music: wedding dress; taeyang

Labels: bad stuff, thoughts

tune out the world ; 11:30 PM

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

where you at.

i had such a sick, sick feeling when i read that email about their intention to cancel a tutorial class for popular culture in japan because apparently (and i quote) having "popular" in the module name doesn't do much to boost its popularity so they actually have less students than their estimates. and they decided to cut one tutorial class, which just so happens to be the only thursday class. all the rest are on tuesday which was my one free day of the week. thanks, murphy, thanks so much.

music: where you at; taeyang

Labels: bad stuff

tune out the world ; 10:51 PM

Thursday, December 10, 2009

further and further away.

am having a god awful day.

okay maybe it's a god awful week.

or god awful months because i cannot remember the last time i was ever free to sit down and do what i wanted to do without having to worry about things i am supposed to be doing. i think this dates right from the beginning of the semester.

either i really have been swamped with things to do or the eight-month break just made me really lazy.

no matter which way you think about it i am still miserable.

and i'm really tired because i don't get to sleep until past 12 every single day and there still is so much to do and i still have to work and think about majors and modules and i want to find a cave and be a hermit just so i can be left alone.

and my facebook account has been disabled because it has apparently been hacked and they suspended it for security reasons, but they refuse to reply my emails.

i was supposed to go to hmv at 313@somerset today but now i think i can't and i no longer feel like going anyway.

i still have to settle the itineraries for europe, print out all the random addresses and maps and everything, go for training early in the morning tomorrow, think about modules to take next semester and whether to major in japanese studies or not, find shoes for europe and pack all the while still having to go to work. and i have to settle the stupid facebook nonsense too.

music: wedding dress; taeyang

Labels: bad stuff

tune out the world ; 3:37 PM

Sunday, September 27, 2009

i will still be there.

end of recess week. why does time pass so fast??

nm1101e midterm tomorrow, and i am going in quite unprepared. i've basically just read through the readings, looked at the lecture slides and uh... okay that's it. maybe it's because i haven't studied properly for so long, or maybe it's because the readings are too different from the textbooks/lecture notes we're used to so i can't pick out the important bits at all. or maybe they're all important bits and i'm just too lazy to try and remember them all so i kid myself and tell myself that they're not all important. in any case i'm just going to cross my fingers and hope to smoke my way through.

haven't really done much during this week even though i had lofty plans of doing loads of stuff.

basically i only finished:

1) se fieldtrip report which was a totally rushed affair and is quite a bad piece of work. which reminds me i need to go submit it to turn it in.

2) typed out the second draft for writing 1 for japanese. must print it though.

3) did reading 2 for japanese.

4) read through nm.

5) read through el and finally got the hang of phonetics. i think. at least i'm marginally better now than at the start of the week when i really had no idea how to go about it at all.

things i haven't done but should get around to doing soon:

1) el affinity group project oh no oh no. must do this by thursday.

2) study for japanese i left this out because i thought the el midterm was right after recess week, when it's really the week after. must do this by friday.

3) se reflection for a random reading.

4) se group project. thankfully this isn't due so soon.

5) read up on js project topic. i borrowed like 8 books but didn't have the time to read them. going to have to either renew them or borrow them again.

6) get up-to-date on my readings! i haven't done my week 6 readings for js and se. and i need to do week 7 readings for js and se too.

i get the feeling the second list is much longer and i have forgotten some important stuff.

okay. i will sleep early and hope the extra sleep makes me cleverer for nm tomorrow.

oh, and on a totally random note, google chrome is much nicer than firefox!

music: heartbreaker; g-dragon

Labels: bad stuff, thoughts

tune out the world ; 10:25 PM

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

you begin to wonder why you came.

today has been hands down without compare probably the most embarrassing day of my life thus far. just thinking about it makes me ~~want to~~ bang my head against the nearest hard surface and hope for amnesia. but i wouldn't tempt murphy too much by dwelling too long on it. don't ask, if you were planning to anyway.

at least i tried? okay anyhow i think i will live out the rest of my time in nus with a paper bag over my head.

in happier news, my sister's internet account is finally up since the internet guys stopped eating meatballs for a second to process the application i presume. so that means no more smsing across continents which will mean the bill at the end of the month will be slightly less shocking. i hope.

and so far all my tutorials have been good. just that there's more work to do than ever. sea studies alone has three different projects plus one reading reflection. el has an affinity group presentation and japanese studies has one group report. i don't recall there being anything for new media so please don't let any funny project spring up on us. there's just the el tutorial tomorrow and the third japanese tutorial on friday to go for. i hope i have nice TAs for both classes, and nice classmates too. el is the only tutorial that yimean, rach and i have in common despite all our plans to get common tutorial slots. at least there's one instead of none!

met rab today and then sam. and rab and i met wynne quite by coincidence at the bus stop, which is an amazing feat in itself considering the fact that people in the same faculty don't even meet and wynne is all the way further down at yst. will be meeting wynne again tomorrow when we go down to whathewants for my commission and her mac stuff. yay money! don't think it'll be much though, but you never know. i'm always pleasantly surprised when it comes to commission.

i will not suffer a nervous breakdown, i will not suffer a nervous breakdown, i will not suffer a arghhhhhhhhh. ):

music: talpi; wheesung

Labels: bad stuff, thoughts

tune out the world ; 10:11 PM

Sunday, August 23, 2009

i want to try and change

am i too young still to not want to grow old anymore?

i can't believe it's only the second week and i'm feeling so swamped already.

music: talpi; wheesung

Labels: bad stuff

tune out the world ; 6:16 PM